a sleepless summer

this summer has been one of the most static and dynamic summers i've ever had. for the first time in over 4 years, i wasn't constantly surrounded by people. i've spent the majority of the past several months absolutely on my own, rarely talking to my friends and seeing them even less, spending minimal time with my parents and sister because we're each so caught up in our own schedules... im an extrovert by nature and usually need people around me, or i start feeling panicky.  this rather quiet summer has challenged me in a way i've never been before.

i always thought i was mentally and physically strong.  i ran in high school all three seasons for all four years. in college, i trained for and ran the boston marathon.  i was a double major on the pre-med track.  whenever a run was tough, or classes got hard, i always told myself "just one more step."  what if every time you get tired, you take just one more step, and then another...? that was my mindset for as long as i can remember.  having finished the marathon under 4.5 hours and graduated with both my majors in tact, i thought i could handle anything that life flung my way.  this past summer has challenged this mentality.

i spent the past 90-some odd days studying for the mcat. 10-14+ hours a day, every day, six days a week, all summer. i did the same thing every day for the past 3 months, which is not to say i have not accomplished much.  i have done more than i thought i could.  i'll be taking my mcat in about 1.5 weeks and i feel as ready for the test as i could hope to feel.  but, i also feel emotionally drained.  very little part of me wants to take another step in any direction.

this summer, i've learned both the price and reward of more sacrifice, discipline, and focus than i've ever had to muster before. i've learned to be on my own, both emotionally and physically.  i've learned that a lot of things are hard, like studying for 100 days, or having to put med school on hold, or being awake at night trying not to think about how lonely 4am feels.  tonight is yet another sleepless night with too many thoughts and not enough energy to parse them out.

tomorrow is orientation for grad school. i take the mcat next week. i start classes the week after that.  goodbye, college. hello to the rest of my life.  for the first time in my life, i'm not sure what comes next. i suppose i'm lucky to be having so many firsts and lessons all in one summer.  i just hope life gives me a little rest. just for a bit.